Kirk’s Baby Mama Drama

The Galactic Enquirer's Latest interplanetary scoop!

Reliable sources have revealed that Starfleet Command Legal based out of San Francisco on Earth, is reeling after five separate paternity and child support modification suits have been filed in off-world federation family courts, within this last solar month alone against Starfleet’s most charming and eligible bachelor, Captain James T. Kirk.

This does not include the already existing decided and ongoing or pending case load particular to Cpt. Kirk alone. In fact, Starfleet’s most famous starship captain is reportedly said to have over 36 separate suits on file, with two separate Starfleet barristers and a team of paralegals working exclusively on Kirk’s cases.

To be fair however, Kirk is not the only Starfleet officer who has a hard time keeping his laser rifle secured, whenever he goes on Shore leave. Starfleet legal has confirmed there are over 14,000 paternity cases which have been filed in the past yearen alone.

No Starfleet officer however has the star power of the legendary Cpt. Kirk, who is said to have approximately 56 separate love children alive throughout the Alpha Quadrant. And practically none of the other cases against Starfleet officers allege such juicy facts, as those alleged against Kirk.

One Orian petitioner from the Rigel Colonies claims that Kirk has not paid child support in over 3 yearen, and is asking the court to put in place an income withholding order moving forward, as well as seeking retroactive child support.

A beautiful colonel from the Earth Defense Directorate claims that Kirk does not exercise his 50/50 time sharing and is seeking to modify the existing interstellar parenting plan to just two weekends a month from Friday to Sunday every other weekend.

An Orcan single alien lady is asking that Kirk’s time sharing be supervised moving forward, claiming that a Federation ship of the line is not a safe environment for a child to have overnight visits. The complaint also alleged that Kirk always has scantily clad yeomen running around his quarters, which is giving her seemingly grown child the wrong idea about how to treat members of the opposite sex.

There is also a Ferengi woman who alleges that Kirk makes her wear cloths whenever they meet to exchange their   young son. She is seeking 67 bars of gold pressed latinum for her emotional pain and suffering. She is also seeking a modification to the parenting plan, in which the parties were ordered to meet in between Ferenginar and Earth when exchanging their minor alien child. She now asks that Kirk be ordered to pick up and drop off their love child from Ferenginar and too Ferenginar at both the beginning and ending of his time sharing.

Yet another of Kirk’s intergalactic baby mamas, a Gemini Colonial refugee from the ever-roving Galactica space fleet, is objecting to the denial of her paternity action by the Federation family court due to the fact that she has no permanent address, which is needed for at least six months in order to establish residency and thus give the Federation’s family court proper jurisdiction in any case. Intergalactic law does not currently allow petitioners to use a previous address from any planet or colonized moon that has been destroyed from natural or other causes. While the Gemeni woman is appealing the court’s decision to the Galactic Counsel of Twelve, it is unlikely the counsel will be able to sway the Federation Court as it likewise has no jurisdiction in Federation space.

Perhaps the most interesting case involving Kirk’s baby mama drama was a now withdrawn petition for paternity, which alleged Kirk was the father of two unborn children who supposedly died along with their Nubian Royal mother. The mother and children are said to have died under suspicious circumstances while in Republic space, with the request to withdraw the petition being filed by the office of the newly installed Galactic Emperor himself. Further inquiries into this story have met with harsh language from the Hand of the Emperor himself, Lord Vader.

While an Alpha One communication was not returned by the Enterprise for comment on this story, a rather flamboyant insider from Kirk’s command staff indicates that pressure on Kirk has been mounting from Starfleet Command to ensure that Kirk is restricted to fewer shore leaves and/or rescues of all female or Arturian (aliens who are both male and female) crews that may be in distress.

Tye Bourdony is the co-owner of as well as the U.S. based content editor for Sci Fi Pulse. Tye is also a Sci Fi cartoonist and creator of ‘The Lighter Side of Sci-Fi’, a mediator, deep space traveler, and the lead interstellar reporter for the Galactic Enquirer. He is also a graduate of the Barry University School of Law, SUNY Purchase and H.S. of Music & Art. Tye currently works in Florida’s 9th Circuit as the staff Family Mediator and has a regular self-published column in Sci Fi Magazine. You can visit Tye on facebook and at or send your thoughts and story/article ideas to [email protected]
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